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Never enough
I realized today, after dealing with yet another metaphorical fire I had to put out, that sometimes it's better just to let go. Maybe not for the person I'm letting go of, but it's going to be better for me in the long run.
It's hard. Giving up on someone is the hardest thing I think I've ever done. I've had to do it before once or twice but every time I'm plagued by doubts. The "If only I'd..." reasonings. There isn't any, of course. And to torture myself with them over and over is madness.
And yet.
But I cannot deal with the drama anymore. I've spent a year running flat out trying to juggle everything and there's only so much I deal with. I'm out of reserves for new drama, new problems. I'm burnt out so hard I'm surprised there is anything left of me besides ash.
Someday I'll find my equilibrium and won't immediately have my pins knocked out from underneath me and lose it again. Eventually I'll be able to just get ahead instead of slowly drowning. Eventually, I'll be able to just exist in a normal setting, a nice day with nothing more pressing than doing something nice because I can. No time constraints, no people setting fires in my messages, no problems needing to be solved.
It's hard. Giving up on someone is the hardest thing I think I've ever done. I've had to do it before once or twice but every time I'm plagued by doubts. The "If only I'd..." reasonings. There isn't any, of course. And to torture myself with them over and over is madness.
And yet.
But I cannot deal with the drama anymore. I've spent a year running flat out trying to juggle everything and there's only so much I deal with. I'm out of reserves for new drama, new problems. I'm burnt out so hard I'm surprised there is anything left of me besides ash.
Someday I'll find my equilibrium and won't immediately have my pins knocked out from underneath me and lose it again. Eventually I'll be able to just get ahead instead of slowly drowning. Eventually, I'll be able to just exist in a normal setting, a nice day with nothing more pressing than doing something nice because I can. No time constraints, no people setting fires in my messages, no problems needing to be solved.