Adele Dawn

So, the stairs have been bad since I moved here. As in, crumbling under my feet bad. There was a metal ramp put in for safety during hospice care and I've left it just so I can go from the porch to the ground safely. Last weekend, family came to stay because we were going to fix them but it was during the heat wave and everyone was suffering so they went home a day early.

BUT! Stairs are being constructed away, in pieces, and they are bringing the pieces next week to construct a new way to the ground from the porch and I am very excited! It's only been two years of using the gawd awful ramp of doom so its time. They are also bringing the mattress for my bed and my cedar chest over with them (they have a pick-up and offered) so I'll finally have my bed and not the rock hard bed of DOOM! to sleep on. I'm also very excited about that.

The living room is finally a place to have guests and not just a disaster zone. Furniture mostly all where I want it (I'm moving a display case today to the "library" room) and mostly clutter free. I haven't set up any entertainment devices but I'm getting there, although there's nothing but a tiny tv/vcr combo and a projector. I don't watch tv anyways so it just hasn't been a priority. It's exciting to finally be moving towards having a home and not just a roof over my head.

To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
And whether pigs have wings.’

- Lewis Carroll, The Walrus and the Carpenter

(This entry is cross-posted to tumblr as well.)

I’m a bit down right now.

Its really hard for me to make friends, acquaintances and such like. (I’m not even sure what it means anymore, really.) I find people who like things I like, and I want to share the shiny things I treasure and … I can’t. Well, I do, then I end up feeling like I shouldn’t be there. So I end up standing on the outside looking in the window.

Whatever I’ve got, whatever treasure I hold in my hands, whatever flower of inspiration I grow - it’s not enough. Pretty enough, or right enough, or it’s not lore compliant or drawn accurately enough and I just end up watching it wither and die.

I want to just hold out this thing and have someone be as happy for my enthusiasm as I am for theirs but it always comes with a, “Well, actually…” or a “I don’t like that ship” or “But have you seen this artist do this thing” or even a “You spelled that wrong”.

I’m not dumping on anyone else’s fun, everyone do their own thing, you know?

I’ve also had the feeling this last little while of being “too much” in the places I’ve been, possibly overstepping myself. I don’t want that, I don’t want to make people uncomfortable, I don’t want people to feel like I’ve been feeling - so I think it’s time for a hiatus for a bit. Just from all the things.

New year - time to clean out the things I don't need or want in my life.

Currently I'm working on my electronic life - email, who I follow on twitch, discord channels, internet tabs I have open, all that sort of thing, lol. All of it has become bloated and unwieldy so it's time to let some things go. Dealing with people who don't want or need my company, my input, or that make me feel bad for being me - done with that. I don't have time for that. I deserve better.

I had a bad morning with some community things that are supposed to be for fun and with another where I realized that I was expending an emotional effort that was not appreciated. It made me realize I needed to do this. I'm not a mod, a mom, or someone who even really means anything to these people so *shrugs*. Time to move on to things that bring me joy and people I enjoy spending time with.

It's hard, because the empathy kicks in and I'm afraid of letting down people I don't even know. And that's just dumb. They don't care, they don't know me, I don't know them. Anxiety makes it hard to do things that I should, sometimes, so instead of canceling a subscription I just let it run even though I'm not using it or staying in a discord that I don't even read. And I needed to change that. I had one more thing I was on the fence about, but writing this out made me realize that I needed to let it go as well.

It feels good to get out from underneath some of that.